On being a SAM
On being a SAM avatar

I can’t even begin to count how many times I’ve seen posts about how a submissive is supposed to act. Proper training this, and proper etiquette that, and a True Sub should Always Respect A Dom.

Not the sub’s dom. ANY dom.

Bullshit. Just because some moron has decided to wear all black with a flogger hanging off his belt and is calling himself Master God’sGift does not entitle him to respect from me. It doesn’t. If he’s got 20 years of experience and five subs hanging off his arm, it STILL doesn’t entitle him to respect from me.

Common courtesy, yes. Respect, no. Respect is earned, or it is meaningless. Utterly meaningless. It’s as meaningless as the “apology” that’s worded “I’m sorry if I offended you”.

I’ve seen people ask for guidance on how to act in social situations – mostly submissives – and it’s amazing how many answers are along the lines of “If someone is mistreating you, have your Dom handle it”. That holds absolutely no water with me. None. Not one drop. If a dom is acting like a spoiled brat, I will treat him like one. I am CERTAINLY NOT going to go interrupt MY dom (who is probably setting up a photo shoot with a model) to have him drop everything and step on some wannabe’s dick.

That all being said, it’s totally unnecessary to start out by being actively rude. “Oh, sorry, I’m already collared” should be enough to get any one with even half a functioning brain cell to realize that was a “no, thanks” type response.

Granted, that assumes the sub in question is collared. If you’re not collared yet, it gets even more fun. Understand that you, the sub, have all the power in the world. One of the points of submission is “choosing to submit”. This is an elective activity. Please, save it for a dom who is worthy of it. Interview them. Insist on a mutual interview.

Interviewing is an important part of this process. Not quite like a job interview, but take the time to get to know someone before you play, especially if you’re going to play privately, rather than at a club or party. The whole point of interviewing isn’t to find out of someone is “good enough” for you, by the way. None of us are good enough for each other (or we think we’re not). The point of interviewing is to find out if you’re a good match for each other.

As an example, I’m a SAM and a brat. I am completely incapable of not being a smart ass. I am absolutely a terrible fit for someone who wants, say, a Gorean submissive, and trying to be in a relationship with someone who’s looking for the Gorean dynamic would be an utter nightmare for everyone involved. Doomed. Crash and burn. Can only end in flames.

He might be a great guy that I can be best friends with; funny, smart, stable, employed, cute, the whole schmear. But if he’s looking for someone who is submissive and cooperative in their expression, rather than a SAM, it doesn’t make up for it.

I got lucky finding a dom who had many years of experience to shepherd me through the uncomfortable spots of finding out which way I was wired. I was also very lucky that we have a very, very compatible dynamic.  Remember, no matter what type of submissive you are, or how you express your submission, the very first priority you have is in finding the right dominant.  One who is supportive of you, respects your limits, and can function as a partner when that’s appropriate.

I am a Smart Assed Masochist.  My dom finds that to be a lively, entertaining, challenging, and satisfying dynamic.  I find that to be a lively, entertaining, fullfilling dynamic in a number of ways. We work well together.   There’s such balance in nature!

One Comment

  1. Reply
    subrosanomore October 2, 2010

    Well said! There is no such thing as one-size-fits-all submissive or Dominant and respect is earned, not bestowed. Vive la difference!

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