On Being the SAM to a Happy Sadist
Heh. He said “flogger elbow”.
Yes, it’s true, he doesn’t beat me enough. That damned flogger elbow is a bitch. Of course, we could just as easily state the myriad of true reasons he doesn’t beat me enough, but that would just wind up being as depressing as involuntary celibacy. I mean, where’s the humor in “well, this week it was food poisoning, and last week it was migraines, and the week before that we were both exhausted and I fell asleep on him, and the week before that… “? Not even remotely funny. Flogger elbow, now THAT’S funny!
But more to the point, I remember very clearly the Idiots, Inc. period in our lives. What a horrible, horrible company. He would come home angry, borderline homicidal, depressed, and feeling trapped. The ex-wife was being less than reasonable about pretty much everything. MY ex was being equally as retarded, and showing his mastery of Passive-Aggressive Bullying technique. This could easily have been a recipe for Relationship Disaster, by which I mean domestic abuse. Especially since I was new to BDSM at the time.
Instead, it’s one of the best periods of my life.
I needed to be shoved into subspace. He needed to do some shoving around. We both needed to laugh. I needed a place to be myself, and he needed a challenge that wasn’t actually an obstacle.
There’s a particular thing that I remember about the night with the needles that he didn’t bring up. There was a point where I safeworded in the middle of a piercing. I was blindfolded at the time, but I clearly remember giving the “red” safeword (stop, this is too much). There was a pause, and I heard him say “it’s not safe to stop midway through – I need to finish this and then we’re done.”
That did wonderful things to our trust levels with ourselves and each other. I know, now, that the ONLY reason he won’t stop immediately when I safeword is for safety reasons. It’s not like I didn’t know before, but the knowings that come from experience, rather than trust and faith, are just a tiny bit different. I know I can trust myself to let him make that call without freaking out.
I know that when I have to be a smart ass in scene (not he makes me, but I can NOT stop myself), it doesn’t carry over out of scene. I remember the first time he tested out face slapping in a scene (rather than rehearsing for safety beforehand). I gave him a look that I suspect was just a bit more than mildly contemptuous, and said “You’re kidding, right? That’s it? THAT is all you got?”
Oh, sorry. Got lost for a minute there. That was a fun night.
The point, though, is that basically what’s said in scene, stays in scene. I don’t have to worry that he’s going to carry over any “how could you say that?” crap, anymore than I would castigate him for being verbally abusive because of what he says to me in scene. That line matters a lot. There’s a lot of freedom to be had when boundaries are respected.
He’s definitely a sadist. I’m definitely a masochist. We both wind up needing aftercare from each other. And we laugh together, both with and at each other as appropriate.
…Especially when he asks if I’ll be good. Because seriously that may be the most loaded question on the planet, ever.