Reconciling Being An Adult Woman And A Submissive
Used with permission:
“I have a burning question I need to answer if I’m ever going to be ok with myself as an occasional sub:
I value equality in relationships. I need to know my partner thinks of me as an equal human being and partner. I need him to know I feel the same way about him. But how can that be possible when I get off on calling him Sir and taking orders?!”
I had the same conflict for a while. Then I came to realize that my entire relationship with my husband is not, in fact, founded in my crotch.
My submissive drive is decidedly sexual. It’s certainly not social. It helps that my husband’s dominant drive does not actually extend to him being an overbearing ass 24 hours a day. So, we spent quite a bit of time exploring and negotiating where our limits were.
Basically, if it’s anything that is purely between the two of us, and doesn’t impact anyone else (children, any of the companies we owe bills to, ex spouses, friends, neighbors, coworkers, the mail carrier, etc.), then it’s an area where we can relax into our dom-sub roles. If it in any way impacts any other person, then it’s not a good context for us to be engaging in that dynamic.
And then there’s the simple relationship dynamic of mutual respect. We don’t tell each other what to eat, what to wear, who we can or can’t talk to, etc.
Some people seem to feel that we are Less Kinky, or Less Twoo, because we are “only kinky in the bedroom”. We feel, however, that basically sex belongs in the (metaphorical) bedroom in either a vanilla or kink relationship. So, we quit worrying about it.
Once we found a balance based on appropriateness for our personalities, our lives, and the other people in our lives we care about & respect for THEIR boundaries, everything just naturally fell into place.
There’s a difference between being equals, and being identical. I am an individual, unique person. I consider myself a feminist in that I firmly believe that any job a man has the right to do, a woman has the right to do. I do NOT believe that men and women have identical abilities across the board – because people do not have identical abilities across the board.
I am just as valuable and necessary a person in our relationship as he is. I am a capable woman in a great number of areas. Having a personality that enjoys and is fulfilled by a desire to submit (to him) does not lessen any of that. For me, being a submissive in the bedroom is a necessary balance for my psyche. It makes me more of who I am, and strengthens the other parts of my personality.
It’s sexually arousing, and sexually satisfying. As a woman – even as a feminist – I see absolutely nothing contradictory about taking steps to be sexually satisfied and fulfilled. Part of that, of course, is finding the right person or persons to be sexually fulfilled with. I will always spit in the eye of anyone – male, female, Democrat, Republican, priest or politician – who tells me I’m “wrong” about who I am, how I express that, or which consenting adults I express it with.
The dom/sub dynamic is an important part of my healthy relationship – but it doesn’t define it.