Polyamory and Jealousy
I know that as someone in a polyamorous marriage, I don’t get jealous of other people in my husband’s life. I get jealous of the demands on his time. Love is infinite; there is room for many loves in any person’s life. What is not infinite, however, is time.
I get very jealous of time he spends elsewhere – and it’s not always another person. I get jealous of time he spends blogging, or doing photo shoots, or computer animation, or even the time he spends at work.
And then I take a deep breath, and I express to him that I’m feeling neglected and I need him to make “attention to me” a priority at some point soon. Calmly, and without whining or bitching. I know that he needs these other things. I know that he’s not blowing me off or taking me for granted. I know that one cannot expect an artist to give up their art.
I also know that I cannot be everything he needs in a woman. I’m pretty damn good at being a lot of things, but I can’t be everything – and neither he nor I are simple people. He can’t be everything I need in a man, either.
It’s not that we’re inadequate – it’s that we have some fairly complex needs and no one person is ever going to fulfill those. So we have to have patience with each other, and patience with ourselves.
I also know that there are other people who are “wired” entirely differently. Monogamously-wired people simply cannot understand how polyamorous people can not be jealous of the “other wo/man”.
Poly people sometimes claim there’s no jealousy in their relationships, which I largely think is bullshit. There IS jealousy. We just usually recognize that our jealousy springs from an understanding of the laws of time & space – and we direct it accordingly. I don’t get jealous because the new girlfriend is cute and he talks about her and thinks about her. I get jealous of the time he’s not spending with me.
…and then I call my boyfriend. Or start another corset. Or play some Star Wars Legos (it’s like crack!!!). And I let him know that I am feeling jealous of the time, and that I’d like us to arrange a “just us” date night or something.
Add being kinky to that dynamic, and it can get a little more complicated. Because a truly satisfying connection for both of us, like a date night, is rarely just “dinner and a movie”. Our needs as a couple are a little exotic. Energetic, perhaps. Add to that I’m not the only kinky person my husband has in his life.
Someone recently asked a forum, as if the answer was patently obvious,
“But ask yourself this: If someone walked up to your owner and said “Hello, Master” wouldn’t you be the least bit annoyed?”
No. I would not be the slightest bit annoyed.
Master, Sir, whatever. I wouldn’t be annoyed if three of my best friends called him “Master”, brought him a Scotch, and then knelt at his feet and sucked his dick while singing O Fortuna.
…actually, I’d get video. Because that would be awesome.
But I’d also make sure that there was some time, somewhere, scheduled for just he and I and a few coils of rope and a flogger in my near future.