Verbalization in scene and other mysteries.
Something I see on a lot of beginner’s forums in the BDSM community is the question of how to get a sub to tell you what she wants. I also see subs asking how to tell her top what she wants. These aren’t really the same question, but I’m going to deal with them both here; as well as the corollary question of how to tell your top/sub what you want.
Both SAM and I talk a lot on here about communication. Without it, what we do borders way too closely on abuse. Being able to openly discuss uncomfortable, embarrassing or scary topics is a part of what makes our relationship as solid as it is.
There are two different places where communication is important. In scene and out of scene. In scene both of us need to be able to tell the other what is needed, to communicate mood, arousal, ideas, etc. Out of scene we must be able to talk to each other about what went right, what we enjoyed and most importantly what we didn’t enjoy or what went wrong; even if it wasn’t a safe-word situation.
One of the most difficult things to do when SAM and I started our relationship was to get her to talk to me during scene. If I pushed too hard it pulled her out of scene, usually ending things for the night. When in scene she goes deep into herself and it’s difficult to get her to talk about what she wants, what she needs.
Talking about these things after a scene is important. Asking questions such as: “You weren’t able to tell me what you wanted at this point in the scene, can you tell me now?” or her asking me: “You seemed to be disappointed with my reaction to that, am I reading you right?”. These kinds of questions can be scary at first, but very quickly, they become the foundation of the trust any good relationship needs.
The act of talking about those verbal lockups or inhibitions makes it less likely that they will happen in scene the next time. I know that with SAM and I, that lockup is often a fear based one. “If I tell him that I really want him to stop with the gentle stuff and just fist me, damn it, it might interrupt his fun and end the scene” or “if I tell her at this point that I want her to crawl to me on all fours and suck on my big toe it might make her laugh at me..”
These are just examples, and in reality, I have no interest in her sucking my big toe. The fisting? Yeah, that one happened.
There is also the fear of rejection behind a lot of our verbal blocks. “I know he asked me if I liked what he was doing, but if I admit it, it makes me a bad person” or “I know she knows it’s only play but if I ask her to strap on a dildo and fuck me silly, she won’t respect me as the Dominant one in the relationship any more.”
Ultimately what it comes down to is fear. If I say the wrong thing at the wrong time something undesirable or bad will happen. Talking through these things afterwords makes it much easier to talk about them before the fact and that makes it a simple and easy thing to talk about them during the scene.
I could go on and on and on with examples of how SAM and I have and do deal with this in and out of scene. But I’m not going to. I’m going to ask you, gentle and not so gentle readers; How do you and your partners deal with getting from the “innocent fearful doe-eyed expression that we all love so much” to “that sultry, sexy, aggressive, ‘fuck yes!!’ expression that we all love so much?”