A more specific breakdown of why I use which safewords:
Green we rarely actually use. It’s only used when he’s doing a safety check, if he asks me twice. Asking me a second time means he’s not sure I’m “all there” when he gets a nod or “uh-huh” type response.
Yellow means “you’re doin’ it too hard, too quickly – needs more warmup”. This is usually used with impact play. I don’t necessarily want him to stop flogging me, and I don’t necessarily want him to go softer for the rest of the damn night, but damn. Slow down for a few minutes, THEN try ramping it up again.
This post originated over on Fetlife in their tech support forum. (original here: Link ). The question posed is one of concern for what information is sent to google when you click on a link or picture on Fetlife. The original poster is afraid that their IP address, associated with the picture they clicked on, is sent to google and therefore can be traced back to their identity.
My response there is included below for discussion and debate. Enjoy.
When I say “frequently” I mean that this question gets asked on some forum somewhere DAILY. It gets asked by men and women, submissives and dominants, sadists and masochists.
“If my spouse isn’t satisfying me, is it immoral to go elsewhere for that satisfaction and just not mention it to them?”
And then, shortly after that, the particular thread to that question explodes into an angsty flailing mud wrestling match that is best described by the following, almost completely unrelated statements:
“You whore, you swore a vow when you got married, you’re a BAD PERSON!”
“It’s totally okay, I do that, too.”
“It’s only okay if you don’t actually have SEX-sex.”
“HOW DARE YOU CALL ME A BAD PERSON? WAIT TILL THIS HAPPENS TO YOU, MISS PERFECT! DON’T JUDGE ME! YOU DON’T KNOW ME!”
First off, please for the love of all that’s kinky, stop asking strangers on the internet for validation. No one with a fucking brain is going to tell you it’s okay to fuck around without your spouse’s consent. It’s just not.
Second, do not get all butt-hurt when you ask a question on the internet and get an answer. Even if it’s one you don’t like.
Third, OF COURSE WE’RE JUDGING YOU! Goddamn. You know what happens when we judge you? NOT. A. FUCKING. THING. What, I care enough about your trashy ass to track you down like I’m a b/tard so I can tell your spouse?
Please. I could be doing something constructive, like masturbating.
You know, when you ask a question on the internet – especially one like that – you are inviting people to judge you. Don’t be all butt-hurt when they accept.
Now, to ANSWER the goddamn question; no. It is, in fact, never ever ever okay to have sex with a person who is not the person you are married to, unless you have your spouse’s consent first.
Here’s the basic test. When your spouse says “Where were you all day? I tried calling and you weren’t here.” if you have to lie about it THEN YOU’RE FUCKING UP.
It’s not that goddamn complicated, people.
I find it interesting that most of the “poly advice” I’ve seen floating around is generally about how to not be jealous of your husband’s girlfriend. Or not tear her face off. Or somethin’ like that, but most of it seems pretty hetero in nature.
Sometimes… sometimes there’s advice for guys about how not to be raving assholes about their wife’s girlfriend. This usually involves suggestions like “don’t start the porn music” and “don’t assume this means you’re having a threesome”.
So, what do you do when your husband’s long-distance boyfriend comes for a visit?
This is my advice, ladies: Stay the fuck out of the way. Sleep on the couch and let them have the bed (at least for one night, anyway). Be considerate. Give them space to reinforce their own chemistry. Do not offer helpful hints about what your husband likes in bed; let them discover each other by themselves. Being a pair of individuals, they will have their own chemistry and dynamic that may surprise you. Don’t be surprised if your Domly husband doesn’t act quite the way he does around you.
Yeah, sure, you may have to spend some quality time with your vibrator. Big deal, we do that anyway.
Make dinner for them, if you cook. Find out what interests you and the boyfriend share, and which ones you don’t, and treat him like a real person.
It’s not terribly complicated. It’s just a little confusing at first. Remember that when you’re dealing with an out of town boyfriend type guest, he’s staying for a brief time and then he’s going home. It may be a while before he comes back. If you find yourself feeling neglected, try to mention that after he goes home, and arrange some quality time for you and the husband.
Ladies, there’s no reason to be threatened by a husband’s boyfriend. He really can give the husband things that you can’t. And that’s okay.