Let’s get this out of the way first. I am pretty much 50/50 bisexual. I am attracted to women and men pretty much equally. Each person brings something unique that I am attracted to and their body shape, configuration or expression, whether the one they’re born with or the one they choose, is relevant only in so far as it is part of what makes them who they are.
On the physical side, I enjoy the pleasures of the body and stimulation of the mind. If I were to choose a second description beyond sadist, it would be sensualist. I am drawn to giving and receiving intense, overwhelming sensation. In most cases that goes beyond mere sensation and into the realm most would consider pain. A moderate grip on someone’s nipples is sensation. A stronger grip or a grip with a twist is pain. Whether either is stimulating or arousing to either my subject or myself is up to the specific person I’m with and the situation itself.
That being said, I am as drawn to receiving those same levels of sensation and pain as I am in inducing them. I enjoy the feeling of being flogged or whipped, clamps, slaps, wax, needles, all of it. If there’s something I am wiling to do to someone else, you can count on me having experienced it before, usually multiple times.
Some would say that I’m a switch, but that’s not entirely accurate. The word switch usually denotes a ‘switch’ from top to bottom in a psychological or power exchange context. That doesn’t fit me or my dynamic with my partners. Psychologically I am dominant through and through. I may be soft spoken or even gentle in that dominance, but it’s still dominance. I let the person and the scene drive how I interact.
That brings us to my life partner, SAM. She is, constitutionally, a submissive. She simply is not wired to be the dominant one in a sexual context. In our mundane life, we’re damned close to equals. In some things I am decidedly dominant and in some she is, and in everything else, it’s a fairly even give or take depending, again, on situation. Our own life experiences, knowledge, talents and proclivities drive where that dynamic leans at any given time.
I’ve been working with her over the years to not so much bring out a dominant in her, but to lead her to a place where she can be the physical top while still maintaining the very solid power dynamic that works so well for us. In short, I’ve been teaching her to tie ME to the wall, take out the flogger or the strap-on harness and work me over in ways that I enjoy so much.
In doing so, I’ve had to learn how to do something kind of new for me. That is, remain in a dominant head space and direct her, while being, physically, the bottom. Doing so while still being able to lose myself in the sensations has been the hardest thing for me to do. Also, remaining the mentor, giving her good feedback on what I’m feeling, how she’s doing, when she should change the angle on a dildo or adjust her swing, has been a vital part of that. It’s educational for both of us.
One of my weaknesses is letting my brain shift over into analysis mode for something. That mode breaks me out of the scene, detaches me from the emotional side of what we’re doing. Being able to get to the point where I can let a tiny bit of analysis happen so I can communicate to her what I need has taught me how to do so when I’m the one holding the flogger.
The other benefit is that her confidence in herself has improved dramatically. She’s rightfully concerned with actually harming me while doing some of the things I ask her to do to me. Never mind that all of them are things I do to her at one time or another. The fact that she’s never done them to anyone else, or in fact done them with anyone else before me, leaves her nervous about doing something wrong and us ending up in the ER.
Our first few times with her as the active partner in doing things to me were more instruction and experimentation than sex. Yes, orgasms happened, but that was after the toys were put aside and we had spent a couple of hours talking over what we’d done. Then I spent time giving her the after care she needed. The evening, even as mild as I considered it, was emotionally intense for her. Anxiety, fear, nervousness and the sheer novelty of what we were doing left her as emotionally in need of after care as any intense scene we engage in. That after care led to an evening of intense lovemaking filled with not only the moans and screams of pleasure, but laughter and giggling, caresses and soft words, and everything else that brings us closer to each other in ways that only those things can.
The first thing that I had to learn to successfully bottom from the top was realize that even though I’m technically and physically bottoming to SAM, I’m still the top, still the dominant, still her teacher and mentor. The first time I was able to maintain that mentoring and still achieve the cathartic emotional release I needed from the intense sensations and even pain was a magical thing for both of us. We both came away understanding in a deep way something we could only intellectually acknowledge before. What it’s like to be in the other person’s head. What they get from the scene. The WHY, not just the what.
It’s always been difficult for me to ask for things from SAM that are purely for my pleasure. It’s also been a given that i will routinely do things to her that are purely for her pleasure. What I gain from doing so is the wonderful compersiveness of seeing my loved one being pleasured and knowing I gave that to her. I’ve finally come to realize that by not asking her to do things to me strictly for my pleasure I’ve been depriving her of that same feeling of compersion. If I enjoy doing things to her, why would she not enjoy doing them to me.
That realization has opened up a whole new realm of experience for both of us. I’m rapidly losing my sense of guilt for thinking of only my pleasure now and then. Whether it’s something as simple as rubbing one out before falling asleep or as complex as my semi-regular use of my sounds to stretch myself so I can wear the jewelry I bought a couple of years ago, she still gains that compersive pleasure from my pleasure.
Asking her to peg me, or whip or any number of other things that are at their core defined as submissive, has opened up a new level of understanding of compresiveness and is helping me rid myself of a potentially toxic idea that I am a failure if I receive pleasure from someone without equally “repaying” it. I had not been able to see that my partners gain as much pleasure from the giving as I do when I’m on the giving end.
Calling it bottoming from the top reminds me that I’m still in control, that the power dynamic hasn’t changed. What I am doing that’s different is giving my submissive partner the gift of experiencing the same compersive pleasure I’ve always felt. And that, is an awesome thing to learn. And even more awesome to experience.