Sick. She’s been sick. And I don’t just mean “sick minded”. I’ve been under a lot of daily soul sucking stress – which culminated in a really interesting, thankfully brief, hospitalization – and I’ve been pretty much focusing on getting by day to day.
There has been not much sex, kinky or otherwise, until recently.
This makes it pretty hard to write about sex. Or being kinky. Or even your relationship issues, when you and your partner are both desiring each other and just unable to follow up/through.
More later about stuff. Hopefully I’ll be back fairly soon. Just wanted to let y’all know we’re still here.
I got into a (brief) argument on the internet.
I know, it’s shocking. Arguments on the intarwebs, who’d’ve thought?
The person I was arguing with self-identified as an “older Southern gentleman”, which demographically (with other cues from the discussion) indicating he was a Christian white male, approximately 60 years old, of a fairly conservative upbringing and culture. The particular thing I took issue with was his utter contempt for men working in pornography. He put the word men in quotation marks and referred to them as “male whores”.
Another person chimed in to say she had never seen pornography, and was sure she wouldn’t like it, as it would be “humiliating” to “watch people mate like animals”.
My point of view was that it was inconsistent to have such contempt for people who openly and legally use sexual activity to make money, but then to not acknowledge that a large number of people (mostly women), use marriage in that same exchange of sexual activity for resources and/or money.
At that point, I dropped the argument, because I couldn’t think of a really good analogy at the time, and it was on another person’s blog. Manners and simple courtesy dictated I drop the discussion. However, I’ve finally managed to come up with something that will describe the disconnect.
I find NASCAR to be an experience, for me, that the female person above imagines pornography would be like to her. I find it repulsive, repugnant, degrading, and immoral to have that level of enthusiasm and sponsorship for blood sports.
Let’s face it, people aren’t that fascinated with watching cars go round and round on a track a gajillion times. They’re waiting for someone to die. Gloriously. In a flaming, smoking explosion that will then be broadcast over and over in gory, graphic, the-media-will-love-it detail.
I guess to a degree I’ll never understand how people can find the morbid obsession with a high-risk sport perfectly okay, but watching two or more people having a great time fucking is somehow demeaning and contemptible.
I’ll make you a deal, Normal People. You stop being assholes to porn stars and the people who watch them, and I’ll keep my opinions about people obsessed with formalized violence with a high risk of death or severe injury to myself.
A more specific breakdown of why I use which safewords:
Green we rarely actually use. It’s only used when he’s doing a safety check, if he asks me twice. Asking me a second time means he’s not sure I’m “all there” when he gets a nod or “uh-huh” type response.
Yellow means “you’re doin’ it too hard, too quickly – needs more warmup”. This is usually used with impact play. I don’t necessarily want him to stop flogging me, and I don’t necessarily want him to go softer for the rest of the damn night, but damn. Slow down for a few minutes, THEN try ramping it up again.
When I say “frequently” I mean that this question gets asked on some forum somewhere DAILY. It gets asked by men and women, submissives and dominants, sadists and masochists.
“If my spouse isn’t satisfying me, is it immoral to go elsewhere for that satisfaction and just not mention it to them?”
And then, shortly after that, the particular thread to that question explodes into an angsty flailing mud wrestling match that is best described by the following, almost completely unrelated statements:
“You whore, you swore a vow when you got married, you’re a BAD PERSON!”
“It’s totally okay, I do that, too.”
“It’s only okay if you don’t actually have SEX-sex.”
“HOW DARE YOU CALL ME A BAD PERSON? WAIT TILL THIS HAPPENS TO YOU, MISS PERFECT! DON’T JUDGE ME! YOU DON’T KNOW ME!”
First off, please for the love of all that’s kinky, stop asking strangers on the internet for validation. No one with a fucking brain is going to tell you it’s okay to fuck around without your spouse’s consent. It’s just not.
Second, do not get all butt-hurt when you ask a question on the internet and get an answer. Even if it’s one you don’t like.
Third, OF COURSE WE’RE JUDGING YOU! Goddamn. You know what happens when we judge you? NOT. A. FUCKING. THING. What, I care enough about your trashy ass to track you down like I’m a b/tard so I can tell your spouse?
Please. I could be doing something constructive, like masturbating.
You know, when you ask a question on the internet – especially one like that – you are inviting people to judge you. Don’t be all butt-hurt when they accept.
Now, to ANSWER the goddamn question; no. It is, in fact, never ever ever okay to have sex with a person who is not the person you are married to, unless you have your spouse’s consent first.
Here’s the basic test. When your spouse says “Where were you all day? I tried calling and you weren’t here.” if you have to lie about it THEN YOU’RE FUCKING UP.
It’s not that goddamn complicated, people.
I find it interesting that most of the “poly advice” I’ve seen floating around is generally about how to not be jealous of your husband’s girlfriend. Or not tear her face off. Or somethin’ like that, but most of it seems pretty hetero in nature.
Sometimes… sometimes there’s advice for guys about how not to be raving assholes about their wife’s girlfriend. This usually involves suggestions like “don’t start the porn music” and “don’t assume this means you’re having a threesome”.
So, what do you do when your husband’s long-distance boyfriend comes for a visit?
This is my advice, ladies: Stay the fuck out of the way. Sleep on the couch and let them have the bed (at least for one night, anyway). Be considerate. Give them space to reinforce their own chemistry. Do not offer helpful hints about what your husband likes in bed; let them discover each other by themselves. Being a pair of individuals, they will have their own chemistry and dynamic that may surprise you. Don’t be surprised if your Domly husband doesn’t act quite the way he does around you.
Yeah, sure, you may have to spend some quality time with your vibrator. Big deal, we do that anyway.
Make dinner for them, if you cook. Find out what interests you and the boyfriend share, and which ones you don’t, and treat him like a real person.
It’s not terribly complicated. It’s just a little confusing at first. Remember that when you’re dealing with an out of town boyfriend type guest, he’s staying for a brief time and then he’s going home. It may be a while before he comes back. If you find yourself feeling neglected, try to mention that after he goes home, and arrange some quality time for you and the husband.
Ladies, there’s no reason to be threatened by a husband’s boyfriend. He really can give the husband things that you can’t. And that’s okay.
Ha! I’ve discovered the secret to keeping a hot, juicy, wet sex life when you’re married:
1. Write porn.
2. Let husband read it.
Eventually these steps may include:
3. Publish it.
I haven’t forgotten you guys. I’m just really deep in some juicy hot semi-nonconsensual kinky porn.
There may be more on that later. Hell, I may even publish little snippets of it here, for your entertainment.
Or maybe not. Wow, I guess there might be a hint of sadist in me. :-p
Things I do promise: Spell checking. Proofreading. Reasonable grammar. Don’t think I’ll be including any of the storyline or character development in the snippets, though.
What do you mean, “why not”? It’s a freakin’ blog post!
I know that as someone in a polyamorous marriage, I don’t get jealous of other people in my husband’s life. I get jealous of the demands on his time. Love is infinite; there is room for many loves in any person’s life. What is not infinite, however, is time.
I get very jealous of time he spends elsewhere – and it’s not always another person. I get jealous of time he spends blogging, or doing photo shoots, or computer animation, or even the time he spends at work.
Before I begin, I want to say that I do NOT want to make a habit of responding to Intarweb Wank, but this one is just tailor-made for HappySadist.com. If you haven’t seen it yet, I’ll summarize and you can Google it. Marie Claire magazine had one of their editorialists, Maura Kelly, write an article about the TV sitcom Mike & Molly. The text of the article is not only condescending and snide, it’s misleading. The question she’s REALLY asking here is “Should fat people fuck? And if they should, should they be allowed to even allude to it in public?”
Someone on a forum asked a very, very excellent question. I know little about this person except that she’s new to the idea of BDSM, and she has a child.
“Does being in a master slave relationship have to continue outside the bedroom? Or do you take it outside of the bedroom?
From my point of view (and, fair warning, others will disagree with me very strongly), it is just not possible to have a “true 24/7” master-slave relationship in a modern Western world where the people in the relationship have any duties or responsibilities to other people. There is always going to be something in life that is going to require the master/slave dynamic to be set aside for periods of time. It is completely unrealistic to expect that one person is going to be able to devote every moment to obeying/pleasing their partner.