Online Dating can be a perilous journey and some obvious safety precautions should be followed. Things like meeting for the first time in a public place and making sure someone you trust knows where you are and how long you’ll be there are not advice to be taken lightly. But I find myself tired of all the negative press surrounding internet dating. For those of us who enjoy BDSM, dating at all can be difficult in the extreme.
For example: a friend sets you up with a nice man; you go out with him a few times and find yourself experiencing mutual attraction. At what point, and how, do you tell him you want to tie him to the bed, beat the hell out of him with a stick and penetrate him anally while torturing his nipples with various kitchen utensils? The average blind date just isn’t into that – which is sad for her/him, because they have no idea the fun they’re missing. It could be a very awkward conversation and in my experience, can be the end of an otherwise blossoming relationship.
So what are the alternatives to the traditional “blind date” if you’re a kinkster in need of a little lovin’? You could meet someone in a bar and risk having that awkward third date conversation about vegetables and anal penetration, or buy a membership to an expensive fetish club. Or my personal favorite, (and something I’ve considered in a desperate state of celibate frustration) stand on the street corner with a sign, “Will flog for love.” Oh, and there’s the internet with all its daunting twists and turns and a general lack of credibility. I think the internet gets a bad rap. In fact, used properly it could just be the best damned thing since silk shibari rope for the lonely and kinky at heart.
I met my fiancé, who is also my submissive, on an ‘alternative lifestyle’ (read “BDSM”) website. We spoke on the phone several times, clicked instantly and upon meeting for the first time, experienced mutual, genuine, honest to gods, holy crap, LOVE at first sight. After two years of dating followed by another year of living together, he popped the question. I responded with the always classic, “Are you serious?” and was given a terse, “yeah,” with an implied “duh,” and an annoyed-face for my trouble. From there I yelped my “YES!” and proceeded to attack him with kisses while sobbing like a crazy person.
I’ve described this wonderful, and somewhat private, moment of our lives for the general public to illustrate that not everyone you meet online is a weirdo or a pervert and that online dating can actually be successful, even for kinksters.
I’m not suggesting that everyone is going to find their own personal Mr. Oh-My-God just by getting online. That would be silly. And I’m not suggesting that it’s always 100% safe. That would be naïve. I am suggesting that people stop bitching about online dating and how horrible it is and I’ve offered my own personal success story as food for thought. Yes, you will probably run into a lot of guys wanting you to email them pictures of yourself in compromising positions so they can wank to your pretty pink…uh, yeah. But you also might just meet someone who lets you put them into compromising positions in person and fits into your life like a puzzle piece you didn’t know was missing. You never know until you try.
Question: So what the hell is a “Happy Sadist” anyhow?
Answer: Me! I am a Happy Sadist.
Let’s start with the simple bits: www.dictionary.com describes sadism in their cultural dictionary as, “Abnormal behavior characterized by deriving sexual gratification from inflicting pain on others . . . named after the Marquis de Sade, a French author of the eighteenth century, whose works describe many sexual perversities.” Actually, his name was Comte Donatien Alphonse Francois de Sade, he lived from 1740-1814 and he was a Count, not a Marquis. Get your facts right people. End history lesson, full stop.
So sadists are sickos who torture and kill people, right? Like Ted Bundy, the famous serial killer and Young Republican? Um, no, sorry. I do have occasional homicidal urges toward my fellow man, but since I stopped working retail those urges have significantly decreased. I do, however, get off on hurting people. Let me clarify – I get off on hurting people who get off on being hurt. Two, or more, like-minded, consenting adults, etc, etc.
But where does the happy bit come in? I giggle while I hurt my masochist. No, really – I get this perverse joy every time he screams and I often find myself giggling like the March Hare at a tea party. I don’t just get off on causing him pain, I get goofy. There is no better sound than the desperate gasps of my masochist as he tries not to scream. It makes me smile just to think about it. In fact, I’m smiling right now. He truly is my favorite toy.
There are a lot of sadists out there who are very dark and brooding. Don’t get me wrong – causing someone pain responsibly is a serious endeavor that should include proper fore-knowledge, emergency paraphernalia, safewords and trust. But it should also be something joyful. If being dark and serious is where you find joy, go forth and brood! But don’t be that way because you think you have to in order to be a proper sadist.
Coming to terms with being a sadist and all it implies has not been an easy task. We live in a country that refuses to let Queen Victoria and her frighteningly puritanical morals die. But once I allowed myself to embrace the idea of sadism as fun for everyone involved – well, that made all the difference in the world! I relish the dramatic flair inherent in BDSM scenes and approach it with a sense of dark glee. Next time you’re flogging someone, or stabbing them with needles, let yourself go and really enjoy the moment. Sexual interaction of all kinds should be fun. Now go get lost in someone’s screams and let yourself smile!