Online Dating can be a perilous journey and some obvious safety precautions should be followed. Things like meeting for the first time in a public place and making sure someone you trust knows where you are and how long you’ll be there are not advice to be taken lightly. But I find myself tired of all the negative press surrounding internet dating. For those of us who enjoy BDSM, dating at all can be difficult in the extreme.
For example: a friend sets you up with a nice man; you go out with him a few times and find yourself experiencing mutual attraction. At what point, and how, do you tell him you want to tie him to the bed, beat the hell out of him with a stick and penetrate him anally while torturing his nipples with various kitchen utensils? The average blind date just isn’t into that – which is sad for her/him, because they have no idea the fun they’re missing. It could be a very awkward conversation and in my experience, can be the end of an otherwise blossoming relationship.
So what are the alternatives to the traditional “blind date” if you’re a kinkster in need of a little lovin’? You could meet someone in a bar and risk having that awkward third date conversation about vegetables and anal penetration, or buy a membership to an expensive fetish club. Or my personal favorite, (and something I’ve considered in a desperate state of celibate frustration) stand on the street corner with a sign, “Will flog for love.” Oh, and there’s the internet with all its daunting twists and turns and a general lack of credibility. I think the internet gets a bad rap. In fact, used properly it could just be the best damned thing since silk shibari rope for the lonely and kinky at heart.
I met my fiancé, who is also my submissive, on an ‘alternative lifestyle’ (read “BDSM”) website. We spoke on the phone several times, clicked instantly and upon meeting for the first time, experienced mutual, genuine, honest to gods, holy crap, LOVE at first sight. After two years of dating followed by another year of living together, he popped the question. I responded with the always classic, “Are you serious?” and was given a terse, “yeah,” with an implied “duh,” and an annoyed-face for my trouble. From there I yelped my “YES!” and proceeded to attack him with kisses while sobbing like a crazy person.
I’ve described this wonderful, and somewhat private, moment of our lives for the general public to illustrate that not everyone you meet online is a weirdo or a pervert and that online dating can actually be successful, even for kinksters.
I’m not suggesting that everyone is going to find their own personal Mr. Oh-My-God just by getting online. That would be silly. And I’m not suggesting that it’s always 100% safe. That would be naïve. I am suggesting that people stop bitching about online dating and how horrible it is and I’ve offered my own personal success story as food for thought. Yes, you will probably run into a lot of guys wanting you to email them pictures of yourself in compromising positions so they can wank to your pretty pink…uh, yeah. But you also might just meet someone who lets you put them into compromising positions in person and fits into your life like a puzzle piece you didn’t know was missing. You never know until you try.
When scening, SaM and I engage in what is commonly called Role Playing. That term, in the past, gave me quite a bit of a problem. You see, like many kinksters of my generation, I grew up with tabletop role playing. Whether it was AD&D (2nd ed, of course), Rifts, Cyberpunk or any number of serious or silly game systems.
As I got older, and encountered the term within the context of kink, it always left me wondering just how in the world you could keep a straight face in the bedroom with that. The cliche of “I’m the evil wizard and you are the helpless elven princess, muahahaha!” really doesn’t do anything for us. If we need that level of characterization, we pull out the books and the dice and the character sheets and go to town.
Role playing in scene is, for us at least, much more subtle than that. We get to put on a face, a facade, a personality, that is not necessarily our “normal” one. There are a number of expressions, words or actions within a scene that we each wear to elicit a desired reaction out of the other or to enhance the sense of unreality of the scene.
Calling her a slut, a bitch or other such terms of endearment (heh) in scene are normal, given a certain mood. Her calling me master or similar is also normal in a scene.
I wear expressions in scene that are not normal for me in my mundane life. I sneer, I smirk, I’m very stern and demanding. Derision is a common mode for me at times when she’s being particularly shy about some command I’ve given her. Likewise, she’s shy, or petulant, or obstinent or even derisive in scene. She’s also submissive, or if things are going well near the end of a scene, completely wanton and begging for more.
None of these are feelings, emotions or expressions that even occur to me to wear during our day to day life outside of that role. Each of us deliberately wears, or allows, those emotions and expressions for the purpose of eliciting a response from the other, knowing that it is all part of the Role we’ve each taken on that evening.
During our day to day life, we’re affectionate, playful, and flirtatious. During scene, we’re often aggressive, cruel, manipulative, calculating and sadistic or submissive as the mood calls for.
As with the talbetop role-playing we did as young people, and even today engage in at times, when the game is over, we put away the dice, or the floggers, and go back to the real world. The things said in the bedroom stay there.
We trust each other, implicitly, to leave it there. We each know who we are, at our core, and that being called a slut in scene does not mean that SaM is a slut out of scene, nor does calling her a slut in scene mean that I think she is one, out of scene.
There are many things we both do and say in scene that fall under that same understanding. Once you realize that it really is as simple as ‘I say that to you because I love that look in your eyes” or “I allow you to do that to me because I love the way it feels and how it makes you so hard when you do it”, the rest is nothing but joy and love and adventure and oh, so awesomely erotic and sexy.
Used with permission:
“I have a burning question I need to answer if I’m ever going to be ok with myself as an occasional sub:
I value equality in relationships. I need to know my partner thinks of me as an equal human being and partner. I need him to know I feel the same way about him. But how can that be possible when I get off on calling him Sir and taking orders?!”
I had the same conflict for a while. Then I came to realize that my entire relationship with my husband is not, in fact, founded in my crotch.
I can’t even begin to count how many times I’ve seen posts about how a submissive is supposed to act. Proper training this, and proper etiquette that, and a True Sub should Always Respect A Dom.
Not the sub’s dom. ANY dom.
Bullshit. Just because some moron has decided to wear all black with a flogger hanging off his belt and is calling himself Master God’sGift does not entitle him to respect from me. It doesn’t. If he’s got 20 years of experience and five subs hanging off his arm, it STILL doesn’t entitle him to respect from me.
Common courtesy, yes. Respect, no. Respect is earned, or it is meaningless. Utterly meaningless. It’s as meaningless as the “apology” that’s worded “I’m sorry if I offended you”.
This is a little earlier than I’d planned on publishing a second post, but a friend e-mailed me a pretty excellent question.
“Where the line is drawn between submission and abuse, from the perspective of the dom? For example, how does the dom know, when he says “you filthy whore”, that he is meeting the requirements of his sub and not emotionally abusing her, unless they have carefully laid out a blow-by-blow playbook in advance? It reminds me of what the old oval track racers used to say, “There’s no such thing as going too fast, until you crash. Then its too late.”
First, that’s what initial negotiations and discussions about limits are for. For some people, name-calling is a major turn-on. For some other people, it’s never, never okay under any circumstances. There’s no way to know in advance, unless you ask. Any responsible dom will ask a potential sub “What are your hard limits?” Any responsible sub will be very direct and honest about stating what those limits are.
How do I leave when I have given all of my power away and been collared? Are there some type of formalities I need to follow, or can I just go? I’m trying to do that now, but my partner hasn’t given permission.