Or to put it more accurately, I’m thanking myself for putting down the kindle or stepping away from the computer for a while to pounce on SaM.
Both of us, over the last few months, have settled into a comfortable routine in the evenings. After guests have gone, housemates are in bed, the cats are doing whatever it is cats do when you turn the lights out, and things have quieted down, we can relax. Our evenings typically involve sitting and reading blogs, playing one of the games we own, reading books or just sitting quietly until we fall asleep. It’s good, healthy, quiet and relaxing.
“What’s wrong this that?”, I hear you ask. Nothing at all, unless that’s all you do, every evening, night after night. Neither of us have had the energy for the kind of knock down, furniture breaking, neighbor frightening, cat terrifying sex we love. Out of our concern for each other, for our lives we’ve let ourselves fall into the habit of banking the fires of our sex lives until we do have that energy.
This denies us a very vital part of our love life; intimacy. Seeing her laying on the bed on her side, knee pulled up, light spilling across her naked thigh and the swell of her breast as she reads is an incredibly erotic sight for me. There is nothing about her actions, words or behavior that stops me from initiating a night of wild sex. It is my own self imposed limitations.
What I realized last night, is that those self imposed limitations, based on the reality of both of our physical and mental health right now (I was in the hospital last weekend, after all) has not only stopped us from the nights of wild, raucous monkey sex, but has gotten in the way of plain, simple, intimacy.
With that realization, I did something I haven’t done in months. I turned to SaM, asked her to put away the laptop and kiss me. Just that. Nothing more asked, nothing more expected. Just kiss me.
When we first got together we would spend time just exploring each other. Sitting, holding each other, kissing, rubbing, petting. Physically and emotionally intimate time together, with no expectations of anything more. That’s not to say things didn’t often move on from there to some of the best sex I’ve had in my life, but that wasn’t the goal. There was no goal.
Last night started with a kiss, a caress and cuddling. It ended up with a soft, sensual and pleasant evening for both of us. There wasn’t a lot of heavy breathing, sweating, bruises or even any rope. We didn’t have sex. We made love. It was exactly what we’d been missing.
This intimacy led to several hours of conversation about a lot of things both of us have been worried about. I found myself able to ask her some pretty scary questions and answer hers as well. Without that inimacy we’d shared earlier, neither of us would have been able to do that.
We’re going to Duckstock in June and are conserving our wild monkey-sex energy for that. It’ll be a celebration of her birthday, of my new job, of quite a few things going on in our lives. Until then, though, we will be rebuilding that intimacy, that sense of openness and sharing, that lack of expectation in the ourselves that is so important in living in that golden moment.
Wish us luck.
When I say “frequently” I mean that this question gets asked on some forum somewhere DAILY. It gets asked by men and women, submissives and dominants, sadists and masochists.
“If my spouse isn’t satisfying me, is it immoral to go elsewhere for that satisfaction and just not mention it to them?”
And then, shortly after that, the particular thread to that question explodes into an angsty flailing mud wrestling match that is best described by the following, almost completely unrelated statements:
“You whore, you swore a vow when you got married, you’re a BAD PERSON!”
“It’s totally okay, I do that, too.”
“It’s only okay if you don’t actually have SEX-sex.”
“HOW DARE YOU CALL ME A BAD PERSON? WAIT TILL THIS HAPPENS TO YOU, MISS PERFECT! DON’T JUDGE ME! YOU DON’T KNOW ME!”
First off, please for the love of all that’s kinky, stop asking strangers on the internet for validation. No one with a fucking brain is going to tell you it’s okay to fuck around without your spouse’s consent. It’s just not.
Second, do not get all butt-hurt when you ask a question on the internet and get an answer. Even if it’s one you don’t like.
Third, OF COURSE WE’RE JUDGING YOU! Goddamn. You know what happens when we judge you? NOT. A. FUCKING. THING. What, I care enough about your trashy ass to track you down like I’m a b/tard so I can tell your spouse?
Please. I could be doing something constructive, like masturbating.
You know, when you ask a question on the internet – especially one like that – you are inviting people to judge you. Don’t be all butt-hurt when they accept.
Now, to ANSWER the goddamn question; no. It is, in fact, never ever ever okay to have sex with a person who is not the person you are married to, unless you have your spouse’s consent first.
Here’s the basic test. When your spouse says “Where were you all day? I tried calling and you weren’t here.” if you have to lie about it THEN YOU’RE FUCKING UP.
It’s not that goddamn complicated, people.
Something I see on a lot of beginner’s forums in the BDSM community is the question of how to get a sub to tell you what she wants. I also see subs asking how to tell her top what she wants. These aren’t really the same question, but I’m going to deal with them both here; as well as the corollary question of how to tell your top/sub what you want.
Both SAM and I talk a lot on here about communication. Without it, what we do borders way too closely on abuse. Being able to openly discuss uncomfortable, embarrassing or scary topics is a part of what makes our relationship as solid as it is.
There are two different places where communication is important. In scene and out of scene. In scene both of us need to be able to tell the other what is needed, to communicate mood, arousal, ideas, etc. Out of scene we must be able to talk to each other about what went right, what we enjoyed and most importantly what we didn’t enjoy or what went wrong; even if it wasn’t a safe-word situation.
Someone on a forum asked a very, very excellent question. I know little about this person except that she’s new to the idea of BDSM, and she has a child.
“Does being in a master slave relationship have to continue outside the bedroom? Or do you take it outside of the bedroom?
From my point of view (and, fair warning, others will disagree with me very strongly), it is just not possible to have a “true 24/7″ master-slave relationship in a modern Western world where the people in the relationship have any duties or responsibilities to other people. There is always going to be something in life that is going to require the master/slave dynamic to be set aside for periods of time. It is completely unrealistic to expect that one person is going to be able to devote every moment to obeying/pleasing their partner.
How do I leave when I have given all of my power away and been collared? Are there some type of formalities I need to follow, or can I just go? I’m trying to do that now, but my partner hasn’t given permission.